Under The Radar - Power Trippin

By Francis White

Remember I was telling you about the poverty pimps? Well I got an in person visit from Utility Pimpin.

This is a big deal because this guy rarely, if ever makes any visits in person. Utility Pimpin runs the utility pimp game in the area. He plays in the gas, home heating, oil, communications, and electricity game in the town. But, saying it like that might be an understatement; he's a major, major player in the poverty pimp game here as well. Why is he so major? Because, out of all the poverty pimps - he gets a piece of almost every citizen in the county which is in the many millions of people. People can't live without their gas, lights, cable, internet and other utilities. These are life sustaining, saving, and life altering needs. Utility Pimpin knows this and manipulates it to his fullest advantage. Now he wants to get in the clean, renewable energy mix, and is looking to the community for some new tricks.

Like all the other poverty pimps he has that over the top, cheesy 70's movie appearance, flare, and high pitched voice. The only thing that makes him different is that he rolls around town in a chauffeured, stretched, electric blue Cadillac tank truck (they’re not out yet for the general public). He’s coming to see me face to face so this clean renewable energy thing must be something that he’s seriously trying to angle a hustle on.

He knows how to make a grand appearance. He rolls around town with at least a half dozen very attractive women who are dressed as sexy utility workers. They are usually dressed as electric meter readers, gas meter readers, and cable/phone installers. When his truck pulls into our parking lot, one of the women hop out of the passenger’s side in the front part of the Cadillac tank and opens the door for him. With the six of them with him, three women on each arm, he proceeds into the lobby and up into my office.

When they make it into my office, he snaps his fingers and one of the very attractive utility worker women take off the electric blue mink cape he’s wearing (he likes the color electric blue for some reason). He takes a seat in front of my desk while they continue standing; he says in a high pitched voice “Frankie baby, what it is? I respect you and all, but the jive I keep hearing from the street is that you and your team have been going around town trying to tell these tricks what’s good for em.” I said “what do you mean?” “Sucka, don’t play cold turkey with me, you know exactly what I’m talking about!!!! I’m talking about that solar thing. You and your crew don’t have enough people out here working, you don’t have more money, game and power on these streets than I do. I have the power baby, and I be trippin” he said.

I said “people should be able to run, and own a piece if not the whole part of the energy sources that come right into their communities every day. The wind is right there, so why not just take it? The sun is right there every day, so why not just take it? This is God given, natural energy that’s all around us every day. This is energy that is clean and natural. It’s already a part of the environment, so in its natural form its usage as a power source will have no harm on the environment. Why would anyone place ownership on it, and try to charge people for something that should be free?” “Why? Because, pimpin ain’t easy, but somebody’s gotta do it. I have the power baby, and I be trippin. Frankie you’ve always been a sentimental fool, but this time I think you’ve been listening to these tricks too long. If there’s energy or utility game out there, I’m playin, I’m pimpin. I have the power baby, and I be trippin” he said.

He continues “I know you’re about the people Frankie, but in this utility game you just give em a little something to think they’re getting over and you gorilla grab the rest. I keep em looking a little good and that’s it. Do my tricks get some dough? Oh, no, no, no!!!! I have the power baby, and I be trippin. For instance, recently I let a few tricks set up something that looks like a microgrid in their little community. I told em I’ll install the solar panels for free and they’ll get $10 a month off their light bill. $10 a month ain’t no loss for me and I’ll end up making up some fee on their utility bill later and get all that money right back from the installation of those panels anyways. After all of that, I’ll accelerate my pimpin and keep going to the state Public Service Commission to get their rates raised for no other reason than to make my poverty pimpin empire more money. Frankie that’s game right there because pimpin ain’t easy, but somebody’s gotta do it.

I said “you know you dead wrong man, you know you dead wrong. I’m convinced that we’re going to get a community controlled utility sooner than you think.” “You are? Lol, that’s laughable, I’m going to crush your little community movement like the little coach roaches you are. Check it out like this; I don’t care what ya’ll do cause I’ma do what it is I do and keep my pimp hand strong. I have the power baby, and I be trippin” he said. “This conversation is over” he continues. He snaps his finger, and just that quick one of the sexy ladies puts on his electric blue mink cape, they head out the door, into the parking lot, into the electric blue stretch Cadillac tank truck and drive off.